The inspiration for writing this particular blog post came from a conversation I had a few hours ago with one of my closest friends. We are like brothers so we often discuss the new things life has decided to bring us. Family, business and relationships are often the core of our conversations. Considering the fact that he was in a relationship I asked him… ‘Do you feel that your girlfriend is the one?’ His response was that he isn’t sure but he prays on it and takes it day by day. But it was what he said after that really stuck with me because it not only showed me how much we’ve both grown up since secondary school, but also in one sentence he managed to describe what a relationship is all about. He said:
“All I can say is that I need her as much as she needs me”
To me this was clarity.
Her being the source of his happiness and that he couldn’t survive without her wasn’t the intention of this statement. What he meant was that through them being together she is able to strengthen his weaknesses and vice-versa. Because they are open-minded, they expose each other to new things. Pushing each other has allowed them to grow as individuals and together as an item. This is what causes them to need each other. They complete each another, not by seeking happiness from one another but by gaining happiness from each other.
He then said something semi-controversial, ‘nothing that is worth it, isn’t worth fighting for’. Some of you reading this will disagree and argue but hey, it causes reason for some good debate. His point was that it’s important to get through the arguments but the key is to learn from them rather than repeat them. He avoids conflict at all costs.
A problem with guys…
I happen to be one so this gives me free reign to sincerely speak from a male point of view. For some reason guys dismiss and downgrade relationships. It’s not because we don’t believe in relationships, it’s because we’re not always successful with them. My friends have acquired this annoyingly bad habit of picking up the phone to converse about the negative shit instead of the positive stuff when it comes to their girlfriends. They would prefer to tell me about the five times she pissed him off rather than the thousands of times she’s made him feel completely content. All this does is scare single guys like me and prevents us from seeing positive outcomes a good relationship can produce. So we decide to stay single or take the “gyalist” route. Nobody wants to invest in a relationship that may eventually come to an end but we need to stop being cowards and understand that we must appreciate the good but also be man enough to accept the bad. It is part of life and part of growing up.
The other day I had this thought. If nothing positive comes out of a break-up, it should actually be called a break-down, because breaking up isn’t always a negative thing. If both parties managed to grow and happiness was experienced for a part of the relationship, that relationship was in fact a positive one regardless of how it ended.
I once heard love described like this… ‘Love is when you have found yourself with the same person you’re not afraid to lose yourself with’
I need to understand that putting myself out there emotionally can give me the most magical and beautiful times of my life. Although it leaves us very vulnerable for pain & hurt we must have faith. Faith in love. If you believe in destiny then you would agree that what is meant to be will be. I have told myself that
if when I find her, I must make sure I love hard and trust that if the relationship was to come to an end it was for a reason. I just trust that whoever or whatever is controlling the universe wouldn’t give us anything we couldn’t handle.
We often question our relationships and ask why? It was great that when I asked the question I was provided with an honest answer that came from the heart.
I know love is a topic that is discussed often but there’s just so much to say.
As I mature and grow into a ‘good man’, I have moments of reflection in which I reflect back on past encounters I’ve had with girls and I constantly wish I handled every situation differently. But the other night I realised something. I’ve learned/learning how to grow into a better man by not being the better man I should have been in the life of a girl I was with previously. It sounds real silly and extremely bad, but through my shit behaviour towards girls in the past, I gradually learned how to be a better man for the next girls I had encounters with.
I’ve learned more from girls that have ditched me when I fucked up than from the girls that didn’t ditch me and allowed me to continue fucking up. This is a primary reason why I tend to advise my lady friends to leave their dudes that fall short of their expectations. This is not just because I believe girls (and obviously people in general) should never settle for anything less than what they deserve, but because as a man myself I know for a fact that we men must want to change for ourselves long before we can change for a girl.
To the girls reading this, I have two questions…
- A guy who was once a scumbag (cheater, for example), will he always be a scumbag?
-As a woman, do you care about how your boyfriend/husband treated other women or do you only care about the way he treats you?
I’m 100% sure that there are married men out there who treat their wives like Queens but at the same time have women in their pasts that will always see them as ‘scumbags’ regardless of the adjustments they have made to their lives. Take Wiz Khalifa for example, he claims Amber Rose was the catylst that sparked the change in him. I’m pretty sure Amber’s opinions of Wiz would be completely different to Wiz’s women of the past.
I believe that social conditioning has the majority of girls wanting to be in a relationship. The same pressure whether it is positive or negative, isn’t as heavy on the shoulders of young guys. Maybe this is the reason most girls prepare themselves to be ‘wifey-material’ quicker than dudes ready themselves to become ‘hubby-material’. I’m not saying us men will never be ready to commit one day, I just think it takes the average man longer to arrive there than the average woman.
So whilst we are becoming ‘hubby-material’, is it fair to label us ‘bad men’ even if it is helping us on our way to become ‘good men’?
It’s a shame girls can’t click their fingers to change a guy from player to commitment. It’s an even bigger shame she can’t be the girl that inspires him to change. It’s not a shame though if you choose to stick around a guy that is becoming when you’re looking for a guy that has already become.
Girls want a good dude in their life - and they all deserve one – but I don’t think they care to know how he got there. I totally understand girls do not want to be the one that meets a man along the road to becoming a good man. It’s always more ideal to be the woman who meets him after he has already reached his destination. But as the saying goes, ‘even the road to hell is paved with good intentions’ or in my case… ‘the road to heaven is paved with bad intentions.’
As soon as I meet a woman that I am interested in, the advanced micro-chip in my brain & the Dual Pentium processor in my penis automatically places her into one of two categories.
The ‘sexy’ category - contains women we use for sexual gratification.
The ‘beauty’ category - contains women we feel can provide an emotional connection that can feed our soul and direction for the rest of our lives.
Now, I think one of life’s biggest misconceptions is people thinking being ‘sexy’ is a good thing. A lot of women confuse sexy & beauty. I mean, being in the sexy category is great if you are seeking nothing but meaningless sex. However, if you are a female seeking something deeper than a
filling fling I strongly advise you to steer clear from the sexy category and navigate towards the beauty category more. Bearing in mind beauty is not just on the exterior.
Let me explain why I don’t believe being in the sexy category is as good as it seems.
Sexy means - being sexually suggestive or sexually stimulating. 94% of males
should would agree with this definition. When a male sees a female dressed in a provocative way that shows off of her beautiful curves, cleavage, underwear etc it arouses a man almost immediately. So when every ounce of blood in my body rushes directly to my crotch because I can see a glimpse of your frenchies, the probability that I see you as anything other than a sexual objective is relatively low. Unfortunately you have aroused me sexually by showing me that part of who you are. Is that how you really want to come across?
Now this isn’t to say being sexy is completely wrong, that’s not what I am trying to say. I just personally believe your sexy side should be reserved for your partner and your beautiful side is what should have made your partner fall for you in the first place.
Women need to realise that all attention is not good attention.
What makes things worse is the fact that it is super difficult for a ‘beautiful’ woman to come across as girlfriend material amongst other ‘sexy’ women who come across as ‘come-shag-me-now’ material. Us males are to blame for this, unfortunately sex tends to cloud our judgment and imbalance our thinking.
To all you girls that go for the whole sexy look, please don’t expect a guy to place you in the ‘beautiful category’ when you are triggering all of his sexual senses.
P.S I used the picture of Rihanna as I think visually she is an example of someone that is far more sexy than she is beautiful. In my opinion. Then again I haven’t met her.
Sait ‘PeeWee’ Cham