The inspiration for writing this particular blog post came from a conversation I had a few hours ago with one of my closest friends. We are like brothers so we often discuss the new things life has decided to bring us. Family, business and relationships are often the core of our conversations. Considering the fact that he was in a relationship I asked him… ‘Do you feel that your girlfriend is the one?’ His response was that he isn’t sure but he prays on it and takes it day by day. But it was what he said after that really stuck with me because it not only showed me how much we’ve both grown up since secondary school, but also in one sentence he managed to describe what a relationship is all about. He said:
“All I can say is that I need her as much as she needs me”
To me this was clarity.
Her being the source of his happiness and that he couldn’t survive without her wasn’t the intention of this statement. What he meant was that through them being together she is able to strengthen his weaknesses and vice-versa. Because they are open-minded, they expose each other to new things. Pushing each other has allowed them to grow as individuals and together as an item. This is what causes them to need each other. They complete each another, not by seeking happiness from one another but by gaining happiness from each other.
He then said something semi-controversial, ‘nothing that is worth it, isn’t worth fighting for’. Some of you reading this will disagree and argue but hey, it causes reason for some good debate. His point was that it’s important to get through the arguments but the key is to learn from them rather than repeat them. He avoids conflict at all costs.
A problem with guys…
I happen to be one so this gives me free reign to sincerely speak from a male point of view. For some reason guys dismiss and downgrade relationships. It’s not because we don’t believe in relationships, it’s because we’re not always successful with them. My friends have acquired this annoyingly bad habit of picking up the phone to converse about the negative shit instead of the positive stuff when it comes to their girlfriends. They would prefer to tell me about the five times she pissed him off rather than the thousands of times she’s made him feel completely content. All this does is scare single guys like me and prevents us from seeing positive outcomes a good relationship can produce. So we decide to stay single or take the “gyalist” route. Nobody wants to invest in a relationship that may eventually come to an end but we need to stop being cowards and understand that we must appreciate the good but also be man enough to accept the bad. It is part of life and part of growing up.
The other day I had this thought. If nothing positive comes out of a break-up, it should actually be called a break-down, because breaking up isn’t always a negative thing. If both parties managed to grow and happiness was experienced for a part of the relationship, that relationship was in fact a positive one regardless of how it ended.
I once heard love described like this… ‘Love is when you have found yourself with the same person you’re not afraid to lose yourself with’
I need to understand that putting myself out there emotionally can give me the most magical and beautiful times of my life. Although it leaves us very vulnerable for pain & hurt we must have faith. Faith in love. If you believe in destiny then you would agree that what is meant to be will be. I have told myself that
if when I find her, I must make sure I love hard and trust that if the relationship was to come to an end it was for a reason. I just trust that whoever or whatever is controlling the universe wouldn’t give us anything we couldn’t handle.
We often question our relationships and ask why? It was great that when I asked the question I was provided with an honest answer that came from the heart.
I know love is a topic that is discussed often but there’s just so much to say.
As I mature and grow into a ‘good man’, I have moments of reflection in which I reflect back on past encounters I’ve had with girls and I constantly wish I handled every situation differently. But the other night I realised something. I’ve learned/learning how to grow into a better man by not being the better man I should have been in the life of a girl I was with previously. It sounds real silly and extremely bad, but through my shit behaviour towards girls in the past, I gradually learned how to be a better man for the next girls I had encounters with.
I’ve learned more from girls that have ditched me when I fucked up than from the girls that didn’t ditch me and allowed me to continue fucking up. This is a primary reason why I tend to advise my lady friends to leave their dudes that fall short of their expectations. This is not just because I believe girls (and obviously people in general) should never settle for anything less than what they deserve, but because as a man myself I know for a fact that we men must want to change for ourselves long before we can change for a girl.
To the girls reading this, I have two questions…
- A guy who was once a scumbag (cheater, for example), will he always be a scumbag?
-As a woman, do you care about how your boyfriend/husband treated other women or do you only care about the way he treats you?
I’m 100% sure that there are married men out there who treat their wives like Queens but at the same time have women in their pasts that will always see them as ‘scumbags’ regardless of the adjustments they have made to their lives. Take Wiz Khalifa for example, he claims Amber Rose was the catylst that sparked the change in him. I’m pretty sure Amber’s opinions of Wiz would be completely different to Wiz’s women of the past.
I believe that social conditioning has the majority of girls wanting to be in a relationship. The same pressure whether it is positive or negative, isn’t as heavy on the shoulders of young guys. Maybe this is the reason most girls prepare themselves to be ‘wifey-material’ quicker than dudes ready themselves to become ‘hubby-material’. I’m not saying us men will never be ready to commit one day, I just think it takes the average man longer to arrive there than the average woman.
So whilst we are becoming ‘hubby-material’, is it fair to label us ‘bad men’ even if it is helping us on our way to become ‘good men’?
It’s a shame girls can’t click their fingers to change a guy from player to commitment. It’s an even bigger shame she can’t be the girl that inspires him to change. It’s not a shame though if you choose to stick around a guy that is becoming when you’re looking for a guy that has already become.
Girls want a good dude in their life - and they all deserve one – but I don’t think they care to know how he got there. I totally understand girls do not want to be the one that meets a man along the road to becoming a good man. It’s always more ideal to be the woman who meets him after he has already reached his destination. But as the saying goes, ‘even the road to hell is paved with good intentions’ or in my case… ‘the road to heaven is paved with bad intentions.’
I look forward to becoming a father. I look forward to teaching my son the things my dad forgot to teach me about women.
I look forward to experiencing the moment my son tells me about his first crush, his first girlfriend, his first love & hopefully he will tell me about his first sexual experience.
I look forward to him and I sitting together at home after watching a football match as I begin to reveal to him the secrets of manhood.
I can’t wait for him to approach me and ask ‘Dad, how did you know mummy was the right woman for you?’
That day may be the day he has found ‘the one’ so that will be the day I will tell him how amazing marriage is and at the same time I’ll lay out all its imperfections so he knows how much of a bumpy ride he is in store for.
So until my son lands, I would love to share 5 of the things I plan on sharing with him. These are all things I have learned on my journey.
If you ever meet a woman that you are interested in, please show her you can be relied on. It starts with the more simple things like when you’re meeting for a meal make sure you’re on time. Or if you say you are going to call her at 9 make sure you call her at 9. As your relationship develops you will be thrown into situations in which your reliability will be highly challenged. She will never tell you directly how much she appreciates it but trust me she will. Being reliable is one of the easiest ways to set yourself apart from all the other guys she has dated.
Have a plan and stick to it
Every good woman should only be with a guy that has a plan that sounds realistic. This good woman will stick with you through the fires of hell if she trusts your plan. This is simply because in the back of her mind she trusts you and believes you can pull through any situation to reach your end goal. The best way to do this is to do everything you say you’re going to do. A lot of girls have said to me ‘I love a guy that is spontaneous.’ But what they really mean is they love spontaneity as long as it is within a realistic life plan.
Listen to her
I will not lie, I am my biggest fan. I spend most of the conversations I have with girls talking about me whilst trying to impress them. I have learned this is not the best way to go about impressing a woman. Women have so much to say but in our society they aren’t really listened to. Listen to her stories, even if you think they are not adding value to your life. As a partner one of your roles is to act as a diary for your other half. It easier to get a female to fall for you if you listen, sympathise & understand her every word. Most importantly, by listening to her you get to learn her and find out if this is the actual woman you want to be with.
While jewelry, clothes & heels are nice presents for a woman, no gift comes close to your trust. It is important that a woman trusts your judgement, decisions & morals. She should trust everything from your financial decisions to trusting you & the relationship you have with female friends. Without trust there is nothing and the best proof of love is trust. No matter the situation, your woman should always feel relaxed knowing every decision you have made is for the best interest for the both of you.
Being handsome and stylish isn’t enough to secure a good woman. Being smart and funny sometimes isn’t enough to secure a good woman. Even being successful and rich isn’t enough to secure you a good woman. But being intriguing puts you in a different league to the rest. When you’re intriguing you’re special and when you’re special you become rare. Women love rare. Women meet handsome, funny, rich guys with style all the time but they usually forget about them. The keys to being intriguing is to be confident that you are special and different from everyone else in the least arrogant way possible. You must learn to be secretively open. Tell women about you but leave blanks so their minds can go crazy trying to figure you out. If you constantly compliment a woman you lose all power. If you keep your thoughts to yourself she will drive herself mad wondering if you thought she was attractive, funny and smart. Women have intense imaginations and by being intriguing you allow her imagination to run feral & wild. You will have her wanting to know more about you. She will spend her days thinking about you. She will then become lost as she starts thinking about what was she thinking before she started thinking about you. Being intriguing is key.
So pass this advice to your sons as I sure will. Actually, fxck it use the advice yourselves.
Peace & much love to you
Sait ‘PeeWee’ Cham