As I mature and grow into a ‘good man’, I have moments of reflection in which I reflect back on past encounters I’ve had with girls and I constantly wish I handled every situation differently. But the other night I realised something. I’ve learned/learning how to grow into a better man by not being the better man I should have been in the life of a girl I was with previously. It sounds real silly and extremely bad, but through my shit behaviour towards girls in the past, I gradually learned how to be a better man for the next girls I had encounters with.
I’ve learned more from girls that have ditched me when I fucked up than from the girls that didn’t ditch me and allowed me to continue fucking up. This is a primary reason why I tend to advise my lady friends to leave their dudes that fall short of their expectations. This is not just because I believe girls (and obviously people in general) should never settle for anything less than what they deserve, but because as a man myself I know for a fact that we men must want to change for ourselves long before we can change for a girl.
To the girls reading this, I have two questions…
- A guy who was once a scumbag (cheater, for example), will he always be a scumbag?
-As a woman, do you care about how your boyfriend/husband treated other women or do you only care about the way he treats you?
I’m 100% sure that there are married men out there who treat their wives like Queens but at the same time have women in their pasts that will always see them as ‘scumbags’ regardless of the adjustments they have made to their lives. Take Wiz Khalifa for example, he claims Amber Rose was the catylst that sparked the change in him. I’m pretty sure Amber’s opinions of Wiz would be completely different to Wiz’s women of the past.
I believe that social conditioning has the majority of girls wanting to be in a relationship. The same pressure whether it is positive or negative, isn’t as heavy on the shoulders of young guys. Maybe this is the reason most girls prepare themselves to be ‘wifey-material’ quicker than dudes ready themselves to become ‘hubby-material’. I’m not saying us men will never be ready to commit one day, I just think it takes the average man longer to arrive there than the average woman.
So whilst we are becoming ‘hubby-material’, is it fair to label us ‘bad men’ even if it is helping us on our way to become ‘good men’?
It’s a shame girls can’t click their fingers to change a guy from player to commitment. It’s an even bigger shame she can’t be the girl that inspires him to change. It’s not a shame though if you choose to stick around a guy that is becoming when you’re looking for a guy that has already become.
Girls want a good dude in their life - and they all deserve one – but I don’t think they care to know how he got there. I totally understand girls do not want to be the one that meets a man along the road to becoming a good man. It’s always more ideal to be the woman who meets him after he has already reached his destination. But as the saying goes, ‘even the road to hell is paved with good intentions’ or in my case… 'the road to heaven is paved with bad intentions.'
A situation where your heart refuses to allow yourself to fall for a girl is by far one of the more frustratingly difficult places a dude can find himself. It is even more frustrating when you can’t figure out why you have this fear of commitment. I was reminded of what it feels like to be in this place this morning when I was listening to Kano’s song ‘Brown Eyes’ lifted from his début album ‘Home Sweet Home’. I first heard this song when I was 14. I knew nothing about girls, sex or love. I just heard the song and loved it. Even though it isn’t the most complex lyrical performance, it has taken me 8 years to completely grasp the concept of the song through experiencing it for myself. This song is the ultimate anthem for a guy like me who technically is available as far as my official relationship status is concerned, but unavailable emotionally. Listen to Kano’s ‘Brown Eyes’ Here whilst you read this.
'But I don't wanna fall in love, na, I don't wanna fall in love But your brown eyes they got me hypnotized Maybe, we could give it a try but I don’t wanna fall in love’ - Kano
Believe it or not, the majority of my close friends are actually ‘emotionally available’. They are willing and able to love regardless of the potential for loss. They are happy to take the leaps of courage I have been so scared to take all my life. For the majority of my existence on this Earth, I have decided to avoid the whole spiritual & emotional commitments that tend to accompany ‘falling in love.’ You would think I behave like this as a result of being hurt in the past and as a consequence I’m dodging any situation that may lead me to feeling that way again. This isn’t the case. Originally my excuse for not falling was so I could focus on my career. The typical excuse. Whilst part of this is true, I think it would be safe to say that the leading reason is the fact I have priorities and responsibilities that override my feelings. My main priority is me.
Now, being emotionally unavailable wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t have desires. I would be lying if I said that I don’t love the attention and affection I receive from girls. I’d be an even bigger liar if I said l could live without sex. As a guy, I find it difficult living without all these things. Despite being emotionally unavailable I find myself still getting involved with girls because I seek either attention, affection or sex. It took a few situations this year to make me realise that this is wrong. Pathetic right?
This year I saw a repetition of circumstances occur. I start talking to a girl, we like each other, spend time with each other and eventually get intimate. The very moment things step up to the next level in terms of seriousness, I soil my boxers and leave the situation faster than I entered it. Without explanation. This one time, I received a call demanding justification as to why I became distant and uninterested. I said something along the lines of… ’shouldn’t you take some blame considering I warned you and made it crystal clear that I am not looking for anything ‘serious’ right now?’ and ‘What do you seek from a guy that you know is emotionally unavailable?’ and even ‘Should I have treated you like sh*t so there was no confusion about my intentions?’
It was only recently I realised how I turn into a prick the moment it gets too much for me. Maybe it’s an automatic reflex to defend my personal insecurities? I do know that in order to be fully emotionally available I’d have to be willing to let ‘her’ in and allow her to explore all of me including the bad and the ugly. This is scary to me.
The truth is, until I am emotionally available… I should just leave girls alone.
I have come to realise that if I am emotionally unavailable I should be unavailable to girls period. Getting into a situation whilst emotionally unavailable is a very selfish thing to do. Most girls seek that companion that can fulfil & adhere to their emotional needs. If I’m not meeting them then really you have no use for me.
In my defence, I must say that some girls should set some stricter boundaries and standards for themselves. They should not be disheartened if they agree to deal with a guy and is now hurt whilst being totally aware of the terms and conditions the entire time. I understand that females subconsciously believe they can change a guy. To those that believe they can, good luck. I’ve seen many girls try and it never works. Girls should never compromise and should never settle for less than what they are seeking. If you are shopping around for a long term relationship, it is common sense to not get yourself involved with a guy that is not up for the same thing.
Girl’s make the mistake of assuming a guy is available because he is single.
In no way shape or form am I justifying the behaviour of us guys but some times it is important to understand that we’re grown and we make our own decisions. Just be sure to take responsibility for your actions. It must be real confusing to a girl when a guy is doing all the right things but saying all the wrong things.
I just believe both parties should accept responsibility. Girls should not want to be with a man who is telling her the truth about what he does and does not want if she wants something different and guys shouldn’t continue to take advantage of the situation just because he is getting what he wants.
I’ve learned that there are two different stages to a ‘break up’. The first part is the getting over her and the second part is getting over the fact that she is over you. I’ve always been able to get through the first stage quite easy, but the second stage seems to be a challenge for me.
It is good to see a woman I was once with move on and find a man who is right for her. But to say this is easy to handle would be the lie of all lies.
Every time an ex moved on, I started to wonder… How could she forget what we had? How could she forget the connection we had? How can she think about those amazing times and forget about them? I then start to ask some whys and then I start asking myself some whos. Sometimes I even ask a few whats too. I ask myself these questions because I remember being the best of everything in this girls life and I thought when we broke up she would never forget that, only to find out she did. But maybe she hasn’t really forgotten, maybe she has just chosen not to dwell on the past and she has decided to move on with someone else.
I’ve had conversations with previous girlfriends and they’ve told me how much of an idiot I’ve been but they also manage to tell me how great I was/am. These are beautiful things to hear, but it hurts like hell. The fact that an ex girlfriend can tell me these things without a hint of pain or regret in her voice kills me because it’s hard to accept that someone can love you and be over you at the same time.
Sait ‘PeeWee’ Cham